I think about who I feel I am inside, and that I need to try to be her. I feel like only a few people really know who I am, who I really can be myself around and they arent fooled by what they see on the outside.
I feel like myself is a confident, sexy, hilarious, really cool girl. But I also really feel like unless I am able to undo the years of abuse I’ve put on my body, I wont be able to actually be myself. I really do feel like I cant be myself until this part of me that is not me is gone.
Jesus.
Feeling loved. Being listened to. Hugs.
Feeling beautiful…
Feeling accomplished, when I eat well, or exercise, or save up money, or work hard at work.
Seeing old friends.
Always staying hopeful for the future.
Organizing everything.
Anything Mike Herrera allows to reach my ears/eyes.
New notebooks.
Hearing nice things from my sisters.
Being able to help someone out in one way or another.
Usually my job.
Looking at old pictures. Reading old journal entries. Memories.
Being the big little spoon.
Laughing all day long.
my mom.
feeling ugly.
when my sisters dont remember all i tried to do for them back then.
when jimmy is sad about something.
struggling with eating.
messy bedroom.
when i cant help someone when they are having a hard time.
remembering the past and those ive hurt.
when cafe rio is closed.
negativity at work.
not knowing when the next mxpx/tumbledown/mike herrera show i will be able to see will be.
Shows and movies are just entertainment to me. I really cant think of any that have changed me haha. Um…. how about a book! The best books I have read are : The God’s Honest Truth by Darin Hufford, The Shack by William P. Young, and So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore by Wayne Jacobson. Those books allowed me to step back and away from so many distractions and get to know God personally.
Where to start! I think the number one thing I want to change about myself is, as sad as it is, just my body. I feel like I miss out on so many opportunities because of my insecurities of the way I look. I feel like I dont get to know as many people as I could. Sad, but I think its the truth. But I also tend to blame other things that go wrong in my life on my being fat as well. Its pretty ridiculous. I just dont feel good enough. For anyone or anything. And that is the thing I would most like to change. That whole situation.
There is of course, wanting to be more responsible as well. More in control. Less of this kid who just wants to be out having fun, or just being lazy. I need self control when it comes to lots.. eating, spending, time.
I just wish everyone know love, and was able to be more understanding of everyone else. Ironically, I want to change the fact that everyone wants to change everyone else. haha.
When I acheive my dream, I think I will just feel fulfillment more than I have before. When I was a teenager, going through my parents divorce, and witnessing them give up all they had in life for temporary enjoyment, and when I had no one to love, I just wanted to die. I didnt understand anything. But then I stepped up and raised my little sisters. They became my world and I felt like I was doing what I was supposed to. And then the boyfriends that I had given myself to. I wanted to just love them. I messed up on the first one. I was with him before I really got to know Love (God.) There was too much selfishness in my heart. Love is not selfish. There was impatience. Love is patient. There was no true grit. Love never fails. And because of that, we did not last. But even loving him the way I knew how made me feel like my life was more complete. And loving my current boyfriend the way that I do now makes me feel like I have purpose. People just give up too easily. The first fight, or the first feeling of hopelessness. Love is always hopeful.
When I achieve my dream, I will feel full in my heart. Thats what I dream of.
I think that the reason I am here is because God wanted me in his life haha. He wanted a relationship with me and delights in all my little details. I think thats why each person is here. Whether or not they believe in him, he just loves them so much that he wanted to be with them. And he wants not a single soul to go to hell, even the ones we perceive as “wicked” I really dont think its our place to say if someone is a bad person. No one knows anyone like God does.
I think the things I am supposed to do include being a wife. I think I suck at being a girlfriend haha. I am slightly over attentive, too unselfish, all giving, which are perceived as being needy, clingy, and annoying to a boyfriend. But to a husband, they are now qualities that a good wife has. I love with all my heart and unconditionally and deeply. I love them more than I love myself, and usually more than I am loved back. But that doesnt bother me. I was made to love and when I dont love on someone, I feel incomplete.
I think I was made to be a mommy. My mom sucks. She gave up her 6 beautiful daughters for her own selfish desires and whims. But like I said, I was made to love and when those little people come into my life, I will feel more and more complete. I want that person to know first hand what love is. And to feel important, beautiful, and valuable always. I want to pour my life into anothers.
I want to love everyone I encounter. God is love and I’ve really come to know him in the last couple of years, and that was simply by coming to know love. Its really quite amazing, and it makes me giddy often.
I dont really care. Like really dont care. I think that gay people should be able to get married if they want. I dont care if they do, it doesnt affect me, and its dumb that other people try to control other people. Marriage is an intimate thing and involves the people doing it, and God. I’m a christian and I believe in and KNOW God, but its not my place to make any decisions for any one else, or call what they do a sin. Sin is also a very intimate thing and is nobody’s business but the person involved and God. But my point is, gays marrying doesnt affect or hurt anyone, so I dont think it should be illegal. Same with polygamy.
My real hopes and dreams are far beyond 365 days, so no need to mention those. But for this year, my hopes are that I stay strong in my weight loss and changing my life. To quit my addiction to food and be able to control it and feel happy and satisfied. To enjoy activities and an active lifestyle and just be active! My dreams are to look in the mirror and love my body. To feel sexy. To feel beautiful. My plans are to work my butt off, quite literally, and feel accomplished by what I have done. And maybe, just maybe, these hopes, dreams, and plans will get me closer to my real hopes and dreams.
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